Pharrell And The New Black Republik Of Unkle Tomistan

By: Kody M.F. Jarrett


The universe has been busy exposing delusional coons over the last few weeks. First , Kobe Bryant revealed himself as the culturally Autistic narcissist we always suspected was lurking beneath his outsized atheletic ability (1), then Al Sharpton got outed by his past for being a failed drug dealer, FBI snitch , and GOP snake for hire (2), but  just before we could squeal a collective James Brown-esque GOOD GAWD Y’ALL!  Mr. Happy himself  AKA  Pharrell Williams reminded us yet again what happens when money fades a brother’s sense of blackness to a dull shade of gray (3).


Maybe it was the tear inducing, cathartic effect of snuggling  in the droopy bosom of America’s misandrist media mogul mammy Oprah Winfrey. Or possibly those wack ass “Dudley-Do-Right had a yard sale” mountie hats are fitting a mite too tight on Skateboard P’s  understandibly swollen head.


Whatever the case may be the nigga got on T.V. and blithely showed his fashionably stank ass.  Apparently writing and producing songs that make white artisits sound black (Justin Timberlake, Daft Punk, Robin Thicke, Brittny Spears) qualifies the Neptune to remix a new version of that Neoliberal Boule classic “The Up By Yo’ Bootstraps Rap”. Peep homie’s funky definition of the “New black” :

“The New Black doesn’t blame other races for our issues. The New black dreams and realizes that it’s not pigmentation, it’s a mentality. And it’s either going to work for you, or work against you  and you’ve got to pick which side you are going to be on”

Why thank you! my sartorially challenged friend. WIth the push of a philosophical mixing board fader Racism/White Supremacy is no longer a factor in the life of the “New Black”. Misguided, pesky, personal  faux pas such as being routinely stopped and frisked , mass incarcerated, systemically denied justice, education, employment, and housing by a brutally efficient system administered with ruthless precision by people who classify themselves as white, can now be eradicated by a simple change of mind…


who knew?

lawn jockey

Might I humbly suggest to Mr. Williams that he gather his “New Black” kindred  and they form their very own money made, negro-topia and christen it Unkle Tomistan. An idyllic, paradisiacal, plantation colony where docile, compliant, super atheletes and musically gifted, non threatening, “happy” pick-a-ninnies can breed among themselves to produce a mutant race of mindless albeit hyper talented, genetically selected, Uber Schvartzes that will be harvested every twenty years or so by the entertainment-industrial complex.  Just add money and subtract any semblance of historical context  and before you know it, a hybrid strain of dancing lawn jockeys will be cranking out catchy lil’ ditties like “Happy”;

“Here come that news talking this and that, yeah, well, give me all you got and don’t hold it back, yeah, I should probably warn you, I’ll be just fine, yeah, no offense to you, don’t waste your time here’s why….because I’m happy”



And we all know if it’s one thing white folks just loooooove it’s happy niggers singing happy songs.

It’s time to stop singin’ and start swingin’


Seriously Y’all, we have to stop deifying these willfully naive, simple Simon-sellout-sons-of-bitches and start using social media to tar and feather their asses with our unified scorn until they figure out that the only way we are going to survive is if we all ride together for each other.

A million dollar nigger is just that.





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